I Am Me Too

I like to drive cars fast. 

I like to drink black coffee.

I am part of the new generation that is rising out of the ashes.

We're not phoenixes though, we're simply who we are.

I am me again.

What's A Thought? When you're in love.

I was wondering what you're thinking?

'Cause I honestly don't know.

Would you dare me to guess?

Perhaps there's something missing.

I am not expert, but I can guess.

How was your day?

Is there sinuosity in my vibe?

I can't spare another second.

I am going to take the last straw I have and thrown it into the water.

What's done is done and I don't want to go up against you anymore.

I'm sorry I was such a hardass.

It wasn't my fault.

My parents raised me that way.

If we're going to go back, then perhaps I can astound you some more.

You better believe I am in love.

It's not easy to love someone so much.

Especially since you'll go away as I predicted.

And yet, it's not over yet.

Are you sorry I sent you on a errand at the right moment in time?

I'm not.

I'll never say never.

But I will always be forever.

Forever is with me.

That was rough.

You made me feel what you were feeling.

And I get it, it was hard.

You are more wounded than even I.

So who better to teach me to cope?

I am in love with a man who teaches me the ropes.

In every game and every day that I live.

How can I possibly survive without such a man?

I'l never recover from his energy and vibe.

The absolute coolest man I have ever met in my life.

Is coming home to me now.

And I am going to share something difficult for me.

It's not easy, it's not easy.

But when there is something beyond the ordinary I am prepared for any response.

Anything can happen.

I am sure.

Sure.

To Robert Donahue

I know you don't exist.
Does he?
Sorry for any complications.
I was just being obstreperous.
Or rather finding my way in the dark.

What's your number?
Wanna chat?
Or is that something that D would rather do?
D is available all week.
Remember, "Don't hide".

How Could You?

I came across something today and honestly I can't say I am shocked.

More than anything I was grateful.

Thank you love!

I love you more than I know, not more than you know.

It's unfortunate that you wouldn't take offense either way.

You would be there for me no matter what, that has been proven.

I am inconsequential to everyone, but you in my eyes.

The only person I really see is you.

And I trust you explicitly.

Truly I do.

Even when the cards are down.

I know you'll come through.

You and me in gentle motion.

Feeling each other for the first time.

Before it was all foreplay, it's the real deal now.

And I will be honest with you tonight.

Because I can't stand the idea of a fight.

And I know you'll be gentle.

Please don't get sentimental.

I love only you, but I am willing to diverge if that's in the path you've mapped out.

Just remember we can only go back and forth so many times.

I am never fine without you and you're still going and coming.

You're in the running my dear in a big way.

You are going to make those fools pay.

I won't lay down again the next time you make me frown.

Back down and you may find me waiting.

Don't back down and I would rather be flying alone.

You are the one who doesn't back down, not me hun.

I am the best at backing down.

That's my new strategy anyway, you got me!~

I said, "Fuck you..." too many times.

I was out of line.

But we're not playing the same.

And I am secure and safe now for the first time in God-know's-when...

You moved fast, faster than me.

But we both remember that I own a "but"...

And you're not going to get away easy with me.

'Cause I have Stanley Preschutti the HAM man.

He's going to have some steak.

Jesus do I ever get a break?

I was wondering how you worked it all out.

Now I am suffering again for an error in judgement.

Sorry it's not about what you think.

It's rather something minor and undecided.

I can't light you up!

I don't approve of smoking.

Now I am getting the highlights.

From my source on the inside.

Covered, I am covered all the time.

Whether it's by you or him.

He's jealous now for sure.

And my heart is breaking.

God, I feel like a slut.

What? For what?

Trust me it's worth it.

Every single time I see your face when I do the wrong thing...I sing inside.

I am singing now.

To myself and about a dozen others.

Go find yourself, and then come back.

I'll be here in the tomb waiting.

What Can I Do?

Who do I write about now that I'm with you?

Who do I fixate on and obsess over?

How can I continue to be inspired when I have what I want?

I may not have it forever, but I know I have it now.

After all the pining and the grieving.

Now I am free of that pain, but another one replaces it.

The fear of losing what I have.

The itching feeling that as usual I have missed something big.

I am not here to be your plaything and I am not here to make you sad or sorry.

I am only here to borrow time and try to have what I want.

Do I disclose too much?

And when I do do you love me less?

I am still so insecure and I can feel the deep unrest.

If tomorrow I left would you be lonely?

Would you wish we were still laughing and painting and maybe trying to understand what has changed?

It's a mess all right, but a clean mess.

It's a mess that I happen to like…again and again…

I'm so sorry I missed the point for so long.

Now I am doing better.

Still the same old song.

If I was bewildered before, then now I am clear.

Only on one thing though: I will not back down.

I am drawing a hard line.

I've been forming compromises for too long now.

And I can't keep that up!

I am sorry my family is disappointed.

I never meant for that to be the truth.

But it's the way I made it happen.

So really what's the use?

I can't be a pawn, or a cat, or a nice sincere girl.

Instead I'm full of riddles and I'm not sure who to tell them to.

Maybe you, probably not, since we're simply spending time.

We're not on the hunt or on the prowl.

We're not trying to win at anything.

We're just being how we want to be at any given time.

I was wrong you're not who I thought you were.

You are someone else completely.

Someone I still don't understand?

How can that be?

Am I blind, lost, dumb?

I was wondering when you would take back your crown.

And wear it on your head: garland of leaves for the dead.

Wondering again, and I am Alive.

So fear me not and I will fear you.

Make me wonder and I will make you too.

The Kiss

When I think of the perfect kiss.
It's always with you.
I'm compliant, because I need your lips on mine.
I want to bend to you.
Become one with that pair of luscious lips.

Somehow I'm greedy for more.
But that's the way you planned it.
I'd sort of like to turn you down.
But when I'm the one wanting...
It's an impossibility.

I'm all turned around.
But in this current tragedy I hope it's public.
Kissing you in front of a group seems hot.
They watch and can't stop...can't peel their eyes away.
And later they fantasize about what we have.

I'm in love with a bad boy.
He's viciously mean, but never to me.
Did I say never?
It's true...anything that's happened to me...it was my own mistake.
I can feel the burn and the bite.

I'm in lust with an animal all right.
When he's ready to take me I'll moisten my lips with my tongue.
Glossy and red...my lips are saying "Take me..."
How sad, it's just a dream, but I have memories.
I'm still waiting for his retort.

All I'm asking for is one little kiss.
A kiss can make a day brilliant.
When you're trembling on the verge.
And I'm hoping, hoping for more.
It's not a constant, but it's always there.

And if instead you decided to kiss another.
I might watch amused, because it would never be like it is with me.
There's something tantalizing about confidence.
Don't you think?
And if I wandered away.

I have the inkling that you might get really mad.
Like when I grabbed my bag and left that night.
Or when I undercut you, because I couldn't have you myself.
The timing was all wrong.
Will it ever be right?

I do a lot of thinking and hoping and playing with maybes.
But my name keeps coming up.
That much I know and I don't know much.
If anyone has been kept in the dark...that would be me...
Does the sun come out in your world when you see me?

I'm never happy, never satisfied.
I bet you're counting on that.
So, when the chips fall in place am I your ace?
I was wondering...ha!
It's always when I'm alone that I feel so worthless.

And I'm alone a lot.
You on the other hand always seem busy.
With people, things, money, business, banking your way to the new age.
Have I aged?
I glanced at my passport and I finally agree, "Yes, I have."

I'm really not that bad.
Just lonely and sad.
But as usual I'm the one that makes it.
How simple to keep your trust.
Even when I don't mean to I feel I do.

Even when I'm lost in the park.
In my heart I am still alone with you.
But being alone with you might not be enough for me.
Like I said, I would like a display.
I was hoping for something...something any day.

You're my boss.
You're in charge.
What I find sexy has always been clear.
Most men never stand a chance with me.
Although I do adore the timbre of the male voice.

If I was ecstatic I doubt I would be writing.
Plus it's more coherent than usual.
Less symbolic and more defined.
The definition is my desire for your kiss.
Forget about love, I don't want that.

I request only one thing.
The kiss.
The kiss that'll lead me away from that mountain we've been climbing down.
I won't even call you baby.
I swear I'm done with that.

Oh, God, but that kiss.
I've got to, have to have it.
Especially now it's so built up.
I'm not sure you can make it real.
But mainly cause I barely get my way.

Anyone who thinks I'm spoiled is wrong.
I'm not living large, but not complaining either.
However still stuck at some way station...waiting...
Not sure for what.
But I know I didn't want that to happen.

Don't you see I had no choice?
I barely have my own voice.
If I'm not worthy then someone clue me in.
Only one kiss.
Can you give me this?

My lips choose you, they want you.
In more than one way.
Even when I'm begging.
Fine I didn't want you anyway.
It's all an act, that's all it's ever been.

Sometimes I think you don't remember.
You don't know your own life like I know mine.
But then again you are from a different dimension.
Mine might be alluring to you in a similar way.
The way I love to fall into yours.

I can't do it on my own.
Plus I'm tired.
The games don't entice me.
I'm too far removed.
An existence that doesn't improve.

So what if I'm like a child?
I can't help it.
That's just the way I am.
So when you're loving on me you feel a bit shady.
It's something I've only just realized.

The moment I'm done waiting for you you'll come around.
As predictable as the moon bright on a hot summer night.
I think what I'm looking for is coherence.
Or a way to trick either you or myself.
I was hoping for a climax.

Instead, I'm still lingering on how much I want that kiss.
I want it so much I can't feel anything.
I'm completely numb to my own desire.
I'm wilting in this raging fire.
Truly I might expire.

My backup is coming.
And he'll be by my side.
The sidekick with the long stride.
And we'll run and play.
Maybe you'll call me one of those days.

Pink, soft, moist, and mellow.
But really it has more to do with the setting.
I can't control energy.
And I have nothing left.
You've wrung me out.

Checkmate

This isn't going to be about chess so don't get too excited, yet.
I was going to drone on about some invisible man who listens in.
But instead I'm going to check the mate.
How about all you boys and men out there?
The ones I've had and loved.

What happened to you? Was it me?
If that's what happens to men who love me then why bother?
Seriously silly boys.
Next please!
She, and that means me, is definitely a man eater.

Everyone else should run if they see me.
Head for the hills.
I've got more fucked up people than I have pills.
And trust me that's no exaggeration.
Can you all stand the love I am throwing your way right now?

Can you stand it boys?
Because you are all babies you boys I loved.
This is not about me, it's all about you.
It's about how hard you try to hang on when it's gone, baby, gone.
I was done with you when I met you.

Why? Because I had you all figured out.
Did you ever understand me?
Thought you did, didn't you?
Maybe ya did and that's why I am sitting here.
Sitting not standing, not my favorite position.

I wanna stand and run, never sit or cry or fall.
Actually falling is great.
Impact even, God the pain can be just right.
Right on time!
Hey! Women! Female friends...where are you hiding?

There was only one woman I knew once who even tried.
Been a while since I saw her breathing like a normal human being.
I was about to relent and give up, but in all honesty I don't have much time now.
I have a painting to finish and it's going to diminish me in a big way.
That's all I can say, it's going to end the threat I was under.

The threat? Isn't that what you wanted, needed, had to have?
Yes, I had to have the threat. I had to have a big death threat. The art. The art.
I had to have a number placed on my life.
I was living in danger trying to survive.
That's the Sagittarius in me.

He shot the artwork through my heart and now I have a place in a part.
A place in a part of hair.
In the underground lair.
I am at the bottom of the ocean.
So, try, please threaten me I don't care!

I am real, if not all human.
Please God don't make me say more.
I am certifiable in an extremely expensive way.
So what can I buy time with when I have no money?
I can't, I cannot, I will not buy any more time.

Oh please, I was broken a long time ago.
Your obsessions are honestly killing me.
If you, if you need me you know what to do.
Just feel your heart beating and you'll know I am there with you.
Let me go! Your acts are no longer justifiable...they are all circumvented.

I have no need to intervene myself.
I have a circle of friends all around me.
And every single one wants to get close to me.
But none of them can.
They are close, but I am untouchable.

I can't land!
I'm sailing a ship straight for hell.
If Hollywood is hell where am I going?
If you are lost and now I am free when was I lost?
There is a vast expanse of death all around me.

Too many eyes have taken me in.
But I was there too!
My eyes bled blue.
Jesus is in love with you.
God you're sick!

I once had a strong, straight whipping stick.
I whipped every one around me with it subconsciously.
And they suffered and I gained.
Now they're wondering why they took the pain.
I once had a long whip that I cracked over other people's backs.

They all hated me and threw me down.
They wished I wasn't beautiful but instead they're dead.
That wasn't a stick and it wasn't a whip.
That was my way of getting them to see.
If you're not running, buying, loving in a very sexual way, or making an amazing play, then you're mostly just losing and will get thrown away.

Oh well, what can I do?
I'm just an imbecile with some outdated equipment, a horse with no shoe.
I'm just a fox who's got nothing to do.
Or a crazy person who never had a clue.
My rhyming isn't even consistent...damn sorry I totally missed it.

Anyway, since today is my unbirthday I thought I would stay.
And surround you with words of nothing you've ever heard the like.
And maybe later I'll spike your drink and take you back to my room.
Where we'll run around like maniacs that no one ever found.
And in the end I was just hoping that the bathtub would be a good place to drown...

When she makes it real thugs really cut to the chase.
Is this a funfest or a race?
I thought it was a race...but who and what are we racing?
We're like groundhogs all out on the wrong day.
I think I can smell my own decay.

This is all wrong. Can we do another take?
I would rather appear cute. modest, and highly opaque.
Hopefully pretty, with a button nose, eyes that glimmer, and perky action in all the right places.
Christ, who taught me this word game?
I'm kind of doubtful about that last remark.

If I have the time I can do this forever.
I've decided that it's my favorite thing to do.
As we dance in circles, just me and you.
Can someone else cut in?
I was hoping you might let another guy have my hand.

Just when I was getting easy I got hard.
I wasn't even expecting that in this game of cards.
I mean chess, how could I forget.
Cause I've been diligently placing all my pieces and you kept taking them away!
What if I knock the whole board over? Then what the fuck will you PLAY?!

The mean one, the naughty one is coming and her name isn't PLATH if you had any doubt.
If you have all secrets now, then tell me one thing.
Add it up and maybe you'll notice that the alphabet has one letter that makes you unsure...it even makes you sick.
What if you missed something before you were around?
Someone who didn't miss you, but got here first. No exclamation point.

I was sitting in a little café the day he stole my heart.
It was only later that I found out about you.
Because I saw his table...the one on which you drew.
I was thinking hard trying to decide whether or not to even take your side.
But even is as even does and evenly spaced letters are all simplified when one is suddenly left out.

A B C E F G...am I making you mad?
Oh, I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry you're so sad.
Or scared rather...in a totally demented way.
Because this entire time you had nothing for me to play.

When you sorted through my e-mails and read through all my mail.
When you checked my body monthly and looked at my icy stare.
You always felt you missed something.
How could anyone ever fool you?
Well, game's over, checkmate for you.