Sunday, March 2, 2014

Too Much

This is too much for me to carry.
I'm trying to do what people expect of me, but I am losing touch quickly.
I go to an Italian restaurant that serves pasta and wine looking for a job.
They ask me to work for free to see if I can do the job.
I am the only busser in the restaurant.
My first night is a Friday night.
There are a million things to do.
But what I remember are strange moments.
I polished and separated steak knifes from regular knifes and soon there was a huge stack of sharp steak knifes resting in a white napkin in the tray.
I went away to do something and when I came back they were all gone, an empty space.
The next day I went back to work and there they were again.
My mind is not friendly to me at work.
I swept and mopped the downstairs room with the promise of talking to the owner about getting the job.
I felt closer to the staff.
Then I had to wait while a wine tasting class took place.
We tried a $100 bottle of wine.
Then I finally got to talk to Curado.
He said he wasn't sure if I had the blood for it, but he would need to try me some more (for free).
I walked to the bus stop and nearby was a pack of homeless people smoking pot all of them high.
I was freezing in the snow and I felt like the last two days had been torture: trial and tribulation, suffering.
I am fragile and it's too much for me.
I can't maintain a full schedule of meetings every week and take the bus all over while working in a position usually filled by a hispanic male.
I don't want to quit.
I need to make money, I have no money.
So, try something else Anna, it will be okay.
The thing is it is never okay.
So, I probably won't go back to the restaurant simply because it's too much.
I am not strong enough for that.
I tried.
I hate failing.
I don't like Boulder, it's too hard and cold.
I'm losing.
I'm an artist and it doesn't pay.
I guess I'll drop the weight, because I can't stay this way.

1 comment:

  1. i used to think i failed in school... that i failed at my "good job"... but i actually succeeded in not succumbing to a crap way of living... you are following the red daughter always says when people can't find a job they like, they should make their own job

    - man who would be edgar