Friday, July 18, 2014

The Past is Not the Present

Sometimes we all need a reminder that things aren't the same.
I know I'm different, but some people seem not to have changed.
I leave a comment here or there, what's the point?
I just wanted someone to know.

I've tried to take myself away from people's lives before.
But they come knocking at my door.
I wonder why?
There are so many others out there who are easier to handle than me.

I listen to advice and insights.
I appreciate sincerity, but I don't say everything.
I wonder how long it will take for the whole truth to come out.
If it ever will.

I learn how to rebuild.
I listen to what my self tells me.
It tells me things in silence at times.
But I get the message.

I hear the innocent words of a friend fall on me like soft rain.
Tomorrow, I no longer look to tomorrow for epiphanies, there is only today.
I continue to feel like I walk a fine line.
Tread here, do not tread there.

But inside of myself I am steadier.
I am more committed.
And I believe in something beyond walls.
I hear the words, "Lucky, I am lucky."

And part of my luck is bound up in something greater.
Definitely something larger.
But it brings me back to myself repeatedly.
"Grow," it tells me to grow.

Monday, July 7, 2014

There is Something Wrong

It started today with a beetle.
Or perhaps a comment about someone.
A beetle and a comment.
I made a comment, a beetle flew into my hair.
I didn't notice the beetle until later.

A beautiful young woman once told me beetles are good luck.
I made a comment about that woman.
I touched the back of my hair and felt a hard shell.
I panicked, not knowing if it was a bee.
So, I leaned over the sink, and pulled my hair tie out.

I saw a black leg drop into the white sink.
I shook my hair out, but I didn't see anything.
I looked on the floor.
There was what looked like a dead beetle.
Its legs were tucked inside.

I picked it up.
I felt like maybe it was alive, but no, it's legs were inside.
I looked at it and noticed it was beautiful, green, a Japanese beetle.
So, I placed it in a piece of kleenex, and put it inside a hand painted box.
Later, I took it out to show to my mother.

I saw black legs through the white kleenex, and I was scared.
I brought it over to my mother.
We looked at it, she took the kleenex, because I was upset.
I knew it was missing a leg.
It started stretching and moving.

She told me things.
How it would be fine, it still had five legs.
I remembered my newt as a child.
It lost a leg and I think it was somehow my fault.
I was not happy.

And my mother took the beetle outside, and put it on her prize white rose.
Even though beetles like to eat roses, or so I hear.
I began thinking about the girl who taught me about lucky beetles.
Was I unlucky for luck even?
Or what happened?

Then, I thought about all the people I know.
I thought about all the problems we have.
And I cried.
The people I know, the problems we have.
Too many people, too many problems.

I pictured their faces, their issues.
I thought about their suffering.
Day in and day out.
We suffer every day.
Is it like this for everyone?

And I was derailed.
By empathy.
For the beetle, for the people.
A train sounded off in the distance.
Something is wrong I know it, something is very wrong.