Thursday, July 16, 2015

The Road to Nowhere

"This is the road to nowhere my dear."
Once I went down the wrong road and I kept going.
The wrong road is always open in my mind.
I can climb those prickly slopes.

"But this is the road to nowhere."
When I look outside I can see where I need to go.
But I don't want to travel in one dimension.
I swear I can do it again, I can overcome myself again.

"This road leads nowhere."
At least if I go nowhere there is less confusion and mixed up ingredients.
The ingredients are mostly people.
On the road to nowhere I will find my heart.

"You are traveling a road to nowhere."
I am walking as quickly as I can to go nowhere and I'm exhausted.
I don't want to rest or sleep because I might never get there.
I can't close my eyes, because "they" will overtake me.

"The road is going nowhere."
I haven't uncovered the truth how can I stop?
On the road to nowhere I find myself wretched and discouraged.
But on the road to nowhere I know I am at home.

"This is the road to nowhere."
I miss my friends! I miss my mom!
I only find myself on the road to somewhere.
I don't care about nowhere.

"The road is going nowhere."
How can I be going nowhere?
Am I no one?
No one going nowhere.

"Your road is nowhere."
I am going nowhere no matter where I go.
I am no longer in charge or someone who needs to be someone.
I can be no one who is on the road to nowhere.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Hot Violet Light

I haven't been taken...yet...and I never hide
I've been shown corridors to unsteady, unsafe places and my blind spots hit me in the side
But I shook my head and covered my eyes when I deemed it right
I stood up and I walked away into the hot violet light

Instead of drowning the way I felt I could, my lungs filled with sweet salt water
And I bought a small shirt for my future daughter
I've seen her in the pet store and heard her laugh
At some preposterous, silly gaff

I don't know if I will marry, or later if it will break me down
I do feel the edge of sanity sharp across my tongue and thick about my gown
To be young and running, fleet and fair
I came across this expanse wanting pure, fresh air

My skull is hardening as I age
I peel back another sticky page
If I falter it's because I know the stakes
And if I pause it doesn't always mean I put on the brakes

I'm squandering the time I have to tell you what I do
I make sinister thoughts passages to higher ladders to you
I break what isn't broken if it has a sick seed inside
And I make myself a token of love and lousy lust beyond the divide

Grope me up and feel my pain
Cut me down and it will rain
Hold me under the soft summer sun
Because when I run I run and run

I drink alien tonic the color of reptilian blood
I curse the lies I see seeping like a flood
I wander inside of myself and when I step outside I find the counterpart I won
I am early, I am late, I am the precursor to your pun

If the radical elements combined at once
I will jump to attention just like a dunce
If I released the burden too soon I felt it fall back on my joints, my tender swollen reddish points
To be given the chance again and again and to find it barely, hardly anoints

Is like the bread I found in the pan
The bread that was given to me by a clever man
Sop the dark oil up
And push it into the soft pink warm cup

Standard greeting for him or her
Engineered brilliance for the gold one to confer
Lines crossing my heart on the electric current
The shocking truth is one deterrent

In the hot violent violet light
The realizations come fully formed and bright
Toady recognition in full flight
I lost once but now I'm too tight

To be confused is obstreperous and feels banal
But in that mix there's a mighty mighty howl
If I ponder the words too much I might falter
If I break I could permanently wear a halter

Tomorrow he will know something he thought he knew today
But today there was no way, there was no way
Once he knows what I think I know now
He will turn in a circle and gently sit down and bow

The only reason I was saved tonight from another kick in the face
Was I reclined and I stuttered in the dynamic race
However you watch me like a man with no dice
My mother worries I've given without getting the rice

In truth the worship I experienced from you was so steadfast and hard
That I have certainty in my heart, though not on my lips, of that card
If I ever squander you please let me go
You deserve what you came for, you deserve to loudly crow

I see the tall man who makes it look so easy, but I know it's not
I think he's looking for a friend to make his mate but that's not what he got
He can have it for sure and I think he's treading the path in the right direction
I'm not making vague references to myself, to make a correction

I have never dreamed much of getting married for life
I have only gone from one point to the next like I might get cut by a knife
Your amber eyes are spies to me
And in the end I will finally flee

The only opening where the purple agenda is true
Is not with the one I could ever outdo
I'm wrapped in Indian braided hair
And I only compare to the vast wide open tear

Please bring me a tonic made of rose petals and water
Wash me in salts and anoint me in oils when I grow hotter
But leave me in fabric burnished with quicksilver
A pill in my reach, an arrow in my quiver

Friday, July 3, 2015

tacked to the wall

he wrapped the silver cord around my wrists and ankles, and then nailed me to the wall - brass tacks
the wall inside a box - his collection
I became so small, and yet for him it meant so much more
than when I was walking around in real life

he never said he wanted me for his collection, but I knew it
someone with dark eyes warned me that if I gave in to him I would become an old maid
someone else warned me that he was a psycho - a freak
they told me these things in double entendre, but I didn't listen

for a person who can suck you dry he sure does it with finesse and it is - enjoyable in all the right places ~
but as for the warnings...
I knew anyone could warn me the same of those two

in fact if I am any observer of real life I will become old - I will age - I will gray - but maybe not wither
I always pictured myself growing old in France
reclaiming our family chateau and living with a medium-sized dog - a dog the color of baked clay

and some day I'll look back, no, I won't
I was going to say I would look back on this day and remember my shirt
of all the details to remember it's a shirt and the fact that people like to mountain bike here
I won't look back on this day

I'll just remember what it felt like to be tacked onto a wall
I thought I was trying to photograph myself with butterflies
but I was the one being photographed
he liked the purple color of my sordid lips

I know how to be contemptible
I used to crush people with my vanity - sometimes
now I'm just viewing it all from my wall
another man once threatened to hang me by the skin of my back - that's what I heard

I need nectar to live off of and I can't procure it myself
he feeds me from a dropper
only the best poison - succulent flowers
to be a perfume - I must be a perfume

the only way I have now is to be young and breathless and kind and quiet
to be sweet and soft and pliant
the only way I have now is to stay in one place and not break away
because I cannot - I could not - I would not

if I cry he gets mad
it makes him feel helpless and he would bring the whole world to my wall so I could see it again
so if I shed even one tear it should be against every bone in my body
my bones are ivory trespasses

it feels like sugary frosting on my tongue to be finally helpless but safe
and it feels like forever - a forever place
it feels like an Alice moment that's frozen - freeze frame
he scrolls down the list - there are more compartments to fill