Saturday, June 29, 2013

The I of My Storm

Finally everything became clear.
He was not the perpetual guy that never said no or sorry.
He was what I wasn't looking for, and made me underestimate the power...
The power of the great escape.
When I wasn't looking there was action in his ways.
And he never told me that I was the wrong one.

I was always wrong, but he was never lost on me.
I hope he can remember that I love the way he works.
The way his fire commands passion is not always the same.
And in my heart I know that now I am never going to be safer.
Safer with the man who showed me how to live in a new light.
And if anyone ever questions this great writer my worst side may show.

He kisses like honey and he melts my heart.
With his sweet demeanor and his intellectual prowess.
I never knew who he was until tonight.
I was afraid that he might be someone who just wanted a conquest.
But then I realized that he's into the real deal.
And he's not about avoidance unless there's too much pain or silly pretenses to grow up....

If I ever loved the one that I lost.
I know now I am better for it.
Because love doesn't give you anything unless you have the tenacity to be willing to sacrifice.
The green-eyed man loves green too.
He warms my soul with his pink and red crescendoes.
Crescendoes that come from that place called channeling.

Although he is going to cut me off.
Because I am no writer and I am going soft.
There was never a time that I was more vulnerable, is that true?
Perhaps you are the one who discovered the infinity sign.
And took it for yourself.
The Golden Rule that he made up is still in effect.

Because he's never wrong and doesn't mis-protect.
He once told me I was the last one in the room who's opinion we should trust.
And I was so happy to hear that.
Since I am always making people think that I know the answers.
Do or don't, I won't be there.
Instead there's a promise that should never be broken.

The promise is that I am hearing voices.
Does that make sense?
No. It's just a transition into the nonsense that rules my mind.
He made me feel from a distance what I was worth.
And that changes the game 
from zero-sum, to none. 
        ~ Two won
     ~ Three…
   ~ 2.. 
~ One.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

In the Summertime Sadness

I don't think about what happened a lot.
I always think of the smarter financial decisions I could have made.
After the fact.
Then I stay inside my cocoon.
If you blame me, then blame yourself.

I just want to eat.
And feel all the feelings I love in between.
And hopefully always be wrong.
Or perhaps never be back.
Are you the final frontier?

I was never a spy.
Just a girl who ate grapes beside the cherry tree.
Now I have no future or past.
Will you be mine?
Oh, mine indeed.

If you were worried before then forget your fear.
I will never be nearer.
To you than I am every day...approaching the fight of my life.
Is it now?
I think so, the fight of my life is and always will be NOW.

Friday, June 21, 2013

You Were the Blackest Grape

When I bit into you you broke my skin.
Does that make sense?
I am being taught how to be a real writer now.
Maybe I'll write for The Rag?
I am simultaneously writing a script for you in my mind.

Maybe now that I am depressed I can be a good writer.
Depressed or alone...or too stupid to not you.
Plus, I swear Jimi Hendrix is playing on my Pandora Sail channel so nothing could be much stranger.
Alright watching Bryan Cranston fall is always something.
And we nod from our separate locations.

You are not the absolute toughest though. I can remember tougher.
A tougher day?
And what else?
Wanna tell me about it?
I almost died at Starbucks.

I would probably have called the paramedics a little earlier.
When it was before I soaked my chair in sweat.
I cannot wait until the 4th of July. Independence Day!
We can all march around in our little red, white, and blue suits.
What could be dumb about that?

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Hardest Thing

The worst part is losing your warmth.
I feel lost and alone.
Like nothing can replace the attention you gave me.
I am an empty shell of what I was with you.
I feel like I can't continue.

Do you even miss me?
I want to lay down and give up.
It's cold and heartless without your passion.
Without your touch...
Your fire seemed to drive me and now I am nothing.

I am wilted and sad.
With nothing left to go for.
There is no one wanting me or taking me to heart.
I wonder if you feel the same sense of loss.
Or if the chains that bound you are broken.

If I was a chain that made you feel sick I am sorry.
My links to you are all gone.
I left something in your old bathroom entirely by mistake.
Will you throw it all away or save it?
My time with you was running out anyway, but this is something I can't come back from.

The fire that was burning in my heart is dead.
The embers are lost and I am put out.
I thought there was magic here in L.A.
But it was only you and you never wanted me to stay.
I am going to die and live another day.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

You Are a Mystic

In terms of love and war I am lost
I never knew where you stood
Because you never told me
I wish I was dead
Honestly I wish it was over every day

Call a suicide hotline and they will tell you they don't have the time
Tell someone who was there and they will care
I was once someone who fought
Now I fight with only touches of love and glory
I will work hard

My apologies were accepted and we laughed
That made me feel supported
By the strong and sweet
If you tell me to be a better person
Than you are too late

I already made that date
I am too loved to try to be hate
I am the flowers in your trust
I am the love in your life
So don't mistake me for a hater

Friday, June 14, 2013


Once I took my possessions apart.
I broke open trinkets and ripped the seams of bags made in China.
It was only after the damage was done that I realized...
The objects we own are sometimes fatal.
And the air I was breathing was filled with lead dust.

I stuffed some old jewelry into a bottle full of foundation for my face.
I unraveled my clothes looking for clues and all I found out was how they were made.
I unlocked my treasures looking for gold.
Instead I made a ruin, I made a huge mess.
What I uncovered or accomplished I really don't know.

I know I was left with a disaster, more for me to clean up.
But even worse mentally I was fraught.
The decisions I make always make me feel like a fool.
The choices are stupid and the outcome is nil.
Although I do assume that there is no one like me and there never will.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Love Left

I thought I finally made it.
I thought this was the last time we would be apart.
But then I was wrong, again, and my heart was torn apart.
I hardly ever second guess and maybe that's my problem.
I think I know the way it will be.

And then I get hit with reality.
The truth is that I am the one who is always wrong.
People devise schemes for me to walk the straight and narrow.
But I am me and I never see any results.
I see things that people tell me are in my head.

If you want me to think that I will and I can.
But I won't be the same person and I won't be who I am.
Today I learned that I am willing to suffer pain for something I don't understand.
I am willing to do it, because I know it's better than the alternative.
This is not a suicide letter, it's a confession from my heart, my soul wants to die and I am still alive.

How do I survive when I don't want to live?
The reason is that it's too hard and I don't have the strength.
I don't believe what people say despite some rare cases.
And I don't have the thing that I thought I had.
I thought I was in love, but instead I was deluded.

The thing is that he's always there for me, but never in the way I want him to be.
By the way there is a man I can't relate to anymore.
He may be disappointed that I am not the one.
Instead he can find his way.
And I'll be there when he's done.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


Underneath the pain there is prosperity.
And beneath the shame there is courage.
The daisy grows despite the drought.
And the mule bares his load diligently.

In truth there is nothing humanity won't do for what they believe in.
Even if that means they believe in nothing.
Then they are doing everything in their power to achieve nothing.
In the past our planet was full of mismatched countries.

We are swirling together to create a whole, it spins like a galaxy.
This is a special time in our history, a turning point.
We need to recover from the labor we put into it.
Let the next generation have a place to breathe.

In the space we created there is less value placed on intellect.
Our most valuable possession is our home.
I won't preach about the environment.
This is not a science fiction novel, and we are not moving to Mars.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Just Cause

If I had a just cause I never said so.
The other day I went to church and saw a statue in the yard.
It was of a woman who had a calm expression.
It made me feel fine.

So, I went and prayed.
I asked God to give me the power of patience.
Something I had only as a small child.
Can a child be more patient than an adult?

Now that I am grown up I am more hurried.
And I watch my life pass by in a rush of movement.
Or rather, I delve into the depths at the threshold of my soul.
Hoping to find what I lost.

A therapist once told me that I would pull the tree of my life up by the roots when I was ready.
Only then would I be able to start fresh.
I told him that I left my heart in L.A. and I would have to go back to reclaim it.
I went back and I found my heart here.

It was waiting for me, protected by the best.
Now that I have my heart can I keep it safe?
Maybe my friends will borrow it and give it away.
My heart is made of paper and glass.