This is a note to myself.
Today is the day I no longer believe in what I believed in for so long.
I expected to feel relieved.
Instead I feel empty.
Perhaps it's because a blank slate can be kind of boring.
Especially since I'm used to everything being flooded.
Even if it is with bad things and negativity.
It's like I sat down at whatever it's called-local coffee shop-and a chapter closed.
I've been waiting for it to close and everyone's been waiting for me to turn over a new leaf.
The leaf is turned, the chapter's closed.
Maybe I'm bored because I have to work.
Maybe I'm bored because I'm boring.
Did your grandmother or whatever ever say that to you?
Someone told me, "If you're bored, maybe you're the boring one."
I was boring until I started expending all my energy being "fucked up."
I put a lot into it and a lot of people tried to fix the situation.
In the end I realize being bored or boring is infinitely safer and better for everyone.
And in this boring state of mind I am a much better worker.
I don't promise anything, but even I notice how much headway I can make when I am working instead of being interesting.
And what I thought was "being interesting" was actually really only interesting to myself, since everyone else pretty much thought "she's an idiot."
And I was, probably still am, but since I'm so busy being productive it will most likely show less.
I certainly care what my impression on other people is a lot less.
I'm not so busy trying to get anyone's attention since I have an enormous amount of work to do to get to the place I want to be.
And when I get there, I will stay there for as long as I can.
So in case I forget, I'm writing this as a note to myself, May 13th is the day you forgot what you believed in and people were relieved.