Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Baby Raccoon

it must be that I'm excited - brain whirring into the night
I sit by the open window listening to the summer wind in the trees outside
something happened, something changed
how can this be?
will it last?
I feel full inside
and after many hard days this must be gratefulness
I think about the past
the writings in my book
I think about the future
I think about the young Asian guy at the grocery store
"Are you looking for the apple ginger juice?"
I was looking at the coconuts
he wheeled the juice over
I felt a pang like I didn't want to let go of him
for speaking to me, for being something I liked in that moment
and I thought of all the young men in the store
many men with brown hair and lean bodies
I thought maybe some day I could find someone again
or even just have simple moments over juice
maybe I could - live -
and perhaps I could learn to run again
and surrender the hurt into my bible
my mother called me over tonight
to see a baby raccoon
his little mask was on
and there was yet another moment I could get behind
my mother - the raccoon
and then when I was sitting by the window
I heard a group of young people outside
they were having a party
they came outside
a girl whooped
a guy called his dog
he said, "she was chasing the ra-ccoon"
the way he said raccoon
it became a special word
and someone who used to love me
sending me messages
telling me he still misses me
and again I realize this life isn't over
and the day is behind me
the work I sent out into the ether
I sent it hastily, before I knew what it was
before I could decide this should be this way, and that should be like that
a surrender
it may be only one night, but in this moment I am home again
was I so far away that I could not land for all this time?
paralyzed inside myself - afraid to say so even
only fearless when it came to allowing myself to hate?
and for the first time I think maybe I'll stay here
maybe I won't
but maybe I will
I know at least tomorrow I will go out
and I will look at the clean, bright people
and I will ride a wonderful bike
with shocks, that hops over curbs
and carries me
I will probably wonder about some things
and I may cry again and again
but I will see my mother
and maybe some day I will see another baby raccoon

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