Saturday, September 27, 2014

The Ash Tree

I feel confident in my ability to create a good first impression usually.
I only say that people are impressed by me, because I can see that they are.
A lot of people have told me I'm beautiful.
A secret I don't frequently admit (surprisingly) is that my fiancé tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and I think it's true.
When I look at myself in the mirror this is what I see: full, shiny hair the color of corn silk, maybe a little darker.
When I wear my signature lipstick my lips look pretty, also I know how to part them slightly in the middle, like a model.
When I have no lipstick on I think they look a little thin, but I would never admit it.
My eyes used to be almond shaped, but now they are very big and round.
I secretly think hazel is a better color than blue, because when I was a kid someone made fun of the color of my eyes.
The child had blue eyes and liked a girl with the same.
Blue is overrated!
I hate things that are overrated, unless I'm overrated, even then sometimes I hate it.
My body: My feelings about my body change from day to day.
I'm tall, but not too tall.
My upper body and my lower body are like two different countries.
Sometimes when I go out I don't feel particularly attractive, but I know I am because people stare.
I think I used to spend a lot of time quietly thinking, but now I talk a lot.
I have to get my opinions across and share what is going on for me to feel validated.
I'm afraid I might have turned you off by talking about how beautiful I am.
The truth is that I am deeply insecure.
People always leave me!!
I have spent a lot of time analyzing why this must be and I am no further.
What I came to was that they don't like me when I am myself.
I am just being myself!
So if I look back I see how many times I have reinvented myself.
Since it is not how I look that they don't like I feel like it must be something deeper.
Sometimes I know I am worthy.
Look, I know what I have done for people, and I did everything I could.
Somehow I am being misunderstood.
Sadly I don't know if it will be one of those situations where later people see the truth.
I don't think it can be, because a lot of what I've done is a secret.
And I can't even describe it to you here.
The inability of people to see certain positive aspects in me makes me hate them.
It is that feeling of speaking, but no one hears the words, until I'm screaming and still no sound.
There is a feeling of people not realizing how important I am.
I try to show everyone by creating proof, but I finally realized what is truly important about me is not what I am telegraphing.
So what does it mean?
Should I abandon the image I created to show the world?
Maybe if I abandon it the real me can come out.
She is so afraid.
There are people who noticed her when I wasn't looking.
I wonder who they are?
Will they hurt me?
I don't want her to be exposed.
I'm afraid she'll be threatened.
So like a protective mother I ferry her to safety wearing an extravagant disguise.
Talking about it here is a big step for me.
If I can see from the reception of this poem whether or not people love me, maybe I'll take a leap.
I am a part of history.
Not a big part, but I am relevant to the world.
My survival is more important than a lot of people know.
Sometimes I think that if I disappeared no one would care or that they would be happy.
There must be people who know that and what are they doing to help me?
In the past I created a set of unspoken rules with people.
The people in my life must support me no matter what.
It is everyone else's responsibility to accept my behavior whether it be bad or good.
What I forgot to ask myself is: is it okay for me to accept my own negative behavior?
The answer I found repeatedly was "no."
So I am setting a double standard.
If I really expose the truth maybe I want to be alone.
Or maybe the cast of characters in MY life no longer serve me.
I have to do what I want to do for myself.
I cannot go on doing what I think other people want.
They seem to think I am doing whatever I want.
But when everything got fuzzy was after I started working on other people's agenda.
I started lying.
A little in the beginning and then more and more.
And at least a couple people started noticing that the story didn't match up.
I found myself telling a story to people and I started believing it.
I feel like I must be going crazy for real.
I'm an actress, but this is ludicrous.
The weird thing is that I heard people questioning me.
Question marks all around me.
I think maybe I can get away.
If I start over somewhere else and try hard enough the questions won't follow me.
I want to say to someone that I am still here, inside.
I am still here.
It is a miracle.
Can't you all see?
It is a miracle that I exist as I do.
Be happy I exist in any form at all.
You may be surprised to hear me express myself this way.
Someone I used to know seemed like she never caught onto my act.
I wonder how she could have known and never revealed it to me?
It makes me feel exposed.
I don't want this bright light shining on me like this.
Stop looking at me!
The reason I don't want anyone near me is that they begin to see what is going on.
I have a right to be dignified.
Well, not that many people know.
Maybe I can just salvage what remains and carry on.
I wonder if people know that I don't give up easily?
When the surface of the water calms down I could slip into a deep current and be ferried away.
If I already feel alone how hard could it be to start over somewhere where no one knows me?
Enough, enough, I know who I am.
I am the Ash tree.

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