I thought I finally made it.
I thought this was the last time we would be apart.
But then I was wrong, again, and my heart was torn apart.
I hardly ever second guess and maybe that's my problem.
I think I know the way it will be.
And then I get hit with reality.
The truth is that I am the one who is always wrong.
People devise schemes for me to walk the straight and narrow.
But I am me and I never see any results.
I see things that people tell me are in my head.
If you want me to think that I will and I can.
But I won't be the same person and I won't be who I am.
Today I learned that I am willing to suffer pain for something I don't understand.
I am willing to do it, because I know it's better than the alternative.
This is not a suicide letter, it's a confession from my heart, my soul wants to die and I am still alive.
How do I survive when I don't want to live?
The reason is that it's too hard and I don't have the strength.
I don't believe what people say despite some rare cases.
And I don't have the thing that I thought I had.
I thought I was in love, but instead I was deluded.
The thing is that he's always there for me, but never in the way I want him to be.
By the way there is a man I can't relate to anymore.
He may be disappointed that I am not the one.
Instead he can find his way.
And I'll be there when he's done.