Sunday, November 23, 2014

Back Down

There are certain characteristics that I used to identify myself by.
It has become clear to me that these are outdated. 
Number one, I am around different people who reflect a different image of me.
Number two, they don't perceive me the way I used to be, probably because I'm not that way anymore.
It's confusing when I don't know what I'm like.

I don't know what I'm like.
I'm not even sure who I am.
I could spend some time in a self-absorbed trance trying to figure it out.
But I don't really care.

I just know that today I feel like I'm back down.
Held under the pressure of your thumb.
It's clear to me who I work for.
It's so depressing.
One job I can never quit.

Ironically, the thing is usually when I don't feel like continuing, there's actually something in it for me.
And I almost always forget this.
My dread comes on as I'm approaching a special prize you proudly prepared for me.
I have no idea what you're doing just so you know.
I really have no idea.

I was so excited, because I made all that progress, and then I looked at the workload.
There are several things I simultaneously need to be aware of.
They will resurface and I'll have to deal with them at some point.
Oh, how I wish they would just go away.
Naming problems robs them of their power.

I'm thinking of a different time in my life eleven years ago for some reason.
How I hated going out to dinner at those expensive restaurants.
How I felt beaten by my own self-consciousness.
It was so hard for me to enjoy living like that.
I can't blame you for my lack of enjoyment, I was like that way before you came along.

I take pleasure in the strangest things and I never know what they will be.
What can I take pleasure in today?
I may be back down, but I'm not backing down.
For me I can't force myself to feel gratitude over something obvious.
I want to have some kind of gratitude for something rare and incomprehensible.

I have gratitude for you sitting in your truck and watching me go by.
You think I don't know you're there.
You think I don't know what you're doing for me.
You think you're making a selfless sacrifice.
You think I'm oblivious.

I usually am and paradoxically I never am.
I don't even know what I know.
Sometimes I find out at almost the same time you do.
Traced back to the paper on the ground meant for you.

I feel like I got boxed in.
The truth is I can't write myself out of this.
But maybe if I keep writing I'll write something I didn't know.
Something to do with birds.
I haven't seen a bird in a long time.

This isn't working.
There has to be something obvious I'm missing.
That makes sense, I usually miss the really obvious things.
I like to be bogged down in details and minutiae.
And completely overlook the bigger picture.

As far as the bigger picture goes I've definitely made progress.
This is due to the fact that, again, I somehow fell through a series of cracks.
Also due to the kindness of certain people.
Also due to my "take action" attitude.
I think the problem today is I don't feel up for all my plans.

For some reason I'm thinking about people who are married.
Or married with children.
Your lives seem so far away to me.
Or people who go on vacation.
People who go to work five days a week.

I don't think I can relate to that.
What happens when you get sick?
There's no time to be sick.
Oh, I get it.
There is never any time.

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