I'm actually exercising an unnecessary level of vigilance in order to avoid the Big Shot mentality.
Less vigilance and more negative thinking.
I was cruising along, and then I stopped, and projected failure.
It is not my job to project on what happens in the future.
One of my biggest excuses is to look at certain privileged parties and see what they do.
Then, I feel enslaved, put in a box, like Schrodinger's cat.
I am enslaved in a sense and I know it's true.
I trust my instincts.
God hasn't written a list of rewards for me.
But he has been up late writing for sure.
I don't think he's done writing scenes for me yet.
He's giving me a lot of material.
When I sat down this morning to write I had mixed feelings.
I got jumpstarted, stalled a few times, hoped for brilliance, knew I was focusing on the wrong agenda.
My agenda was going down anyway.
My agenda was mostly based on the weather.
The part about failure.
I feel like I failed.
But I only feel that way, because I didn't get what I wanted.
Also, I asked for way too much.
I'm casting around looking for something to prop me up.
There must be something I can use to make myself feel better.
I'm not finding anything.
Everything has too big a price.
If I don't want anything, then there are no obstacles.
The feeling is that I do want something, but I haven't figured it out yet.
On some days I feel like this will be over soon.
On other days I feel like this is for life.
I have to keep going I tell myself.
I don't want to.
Something burning inside of me died.
I'm just scratching the surface.
I keep seeing myself on a gurney.
And the person who was after me is caught.
And it's almost worse that way.
And when they give him the lethal injection I have to be sedated.
How I know this will never happen is simple.
Because if I can write it, it won't happen.
How I know the current circumstances will change is because they always do.
But you know, I'm in trouble.
Let's face it, I have no idea what's going on.
I hope to be increasingly uncertain.
There is more room for life.
I can't check out.