Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Derailed by the Alpha Female

I was oppressed by a powerful woman.
I was tormented by her on a daily basis.
All she had to do was say a couple things and boom! 
My mind was blown.
My clarity and emotions were sapped.

I never knew which personality would visit me from one day to the next.
She presented herself as a hypocrite.
I wondered why it was okay to pump toxicity into her face and her system...
But not okay to drink from a plastic water bottle?
The thing I seemed to be bad at learning was that "she is always right."

And what I found for myself was balance.
What I find for myself is hard work.
And what I do is I don't "get on top."
While she is consumed by running frantically from one thing to the next...
I wonder why I'm so afraid of her.

Life kept telling me to voice my feelings on the subject...
And I acted like someone who is oppressed.
My confusion is mostly gone now.
Especially toward the end I wanted out.
And I kept going back.

For someone who promises payment in castles I am surprised to hear complaints about buying groceries.
This is someone who tabulates any kindness on her part at all, and then sucks you dry.
Because it is a BIG deal to do anything for anyone other then "ME."
I remember when I arrived unannounced one night, and after I was fed and put to bed, I listened to the trance-music-drug-fueled-two-person-party, just one wall between us.
I remember all the times she said she was sober, but it was an obvious lie.

Then I remember when I stopped asking what she was on.
Like when she sounded like she was on molly at her fiancé's parents' house.
I remember how her compliments sounded like insults.
I remember how her promises made me cringe.
I remember how it seemed like she wanted my help, but she insulted me instead.

I kept looking for the love and I kept running up against the fear.
I kept listening to the pure insanity.
I kept listening to the skewed drama.
I listened to the part about how she was literally beating people up.
And a month later she's spouting off about how we all have to love each other.

Her memory adjusts depending on the manipulation.
Honestly I wouldn't have mentioned it at all, except it's so fresh...
And the part about how she HATES all the people who dare to come close to her.
It's just really interesting to see how her negativity on the inside doesn't overpower her image on the outside...
And the part about how she can't bear to hear anyone question her.

There were a lot of instances in which I would have had this conversation with her.
But since she has all the power she tells you when it's radio silence.
Where am I?
I am so relieved to be free of the inanity.
I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not for her multiple personalities.

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