Thursday, May 30, 2013

What Can I Do?

Who do I write about now that I'm with you?
Who do I fixate on and obsess over?
How can I continue to be inspired when I have what I want?
I may not have it forever, but I know I have it now.
After all the pining and the grieving.

Now I am free of that pain, but another one replaces it.
The fear of losing what I have.
The itching feeling that as usual I have missed something big.
I am not here to be your plaything and I am not here to make you sad or sorry.
I am only here to borrow time and try to have what I want.

Do I disclose too much?
And when I do do you love me less?
I am still so insecure and I can feel the deep unrest.
If tomorrow I left would you be lonely?
Would you wish we were still laughing and painting and maybe trying to understand what has changed?

It's a mess all right, but a clean mess.
It's a mess that I happen to like…again and again…
I'm so sorry I missed the point for so long.
Now I am doing better.
Still the same old song.

If I was bewildered before, then now I am clear.
Only on one thing though: I will not back down.
I am drawing a hard line.
I've been forming compromises for too long now.
And I can't keep that up!

I am sorry my family is disappointed.
I never meant for that to be the truth.
But it's the way I made it happen.
So really what's the use?
I can't be a pawn, or a cat, or a nice sincere girl.

Instead I'm full of riddles and I'm not sure who to tell them to.
Maybe you, probably not, since we're simply spending time.
We're not on the hunt or on the prowl.
We're not trying to win at anything.
We're just being how we want to be at any given time.

I was wrong you're not who I thought you were.
You are someone else completely.
Someone I still don't understand?
How can that be?
Am I blind, lost, dumb?

I was wondering when you would take back your crown.
And wear it on your head: garland of leaves for the dead.
Wondering again, and I am Alive.
So fear me not and I will fear you.
Make me wonder and I will make you too.

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