Friday, April 18, 2014

How to Make Yourself Paranoid

Write something containing every acronym you can think of representing the intelligence community.
Then hide in your house until night falls.
Walk to the drugstore and scrutinize the cashier who is telling some customers a long convoluted story about leaving a monster energy drink in his car.
Notice your back brace peeking out from under your fleece is showing, and looks like a poorly hidden bullet proof vest.
When you get to the front of the line, after the cashier has made a fool of himself, notice his accent slip into another dialect.
The dialect sounds kind of Irish.
When you leave you look him in the eyes and memorize them, the best way to recognize someone in disguise is to know their eyes.
The color can change, but the essence cannot.
Decide he is IRA and therefore wonder how many IRA are distributed throughout the US on call. Ready to run to a drugstore and check someone out, because he/she used IRA as a tag in an obscure blog.
Instantly agree with yourself that you're being watched anyway, and discard the notion you may have a problem.
Go ahead with your addiction, and assume you are being followed and watched.
The next day when you go for a walk in the outdoor mall feel like you are performing a clandestine operation--you don't even know about.
Notice middle aged men with cropped hair, and neat Colorado dress and mark them as intelligence.
Laugh to yourself since you've created a maelstrom of international intrigue.
Congratulate yourself and feel like you are so smart.
As your walk progresses start to wonder why people are looking at you.
You avoid looking at them since you don't want to see the wrong person's face.
Call a friend and rant and rave, which you have pretty much mastered.
He has it mastered too.
Gradually wind down as you convince yourself you have somehow ingeniously concocted a scheme to surround yourself with high level intelligence.
Then elaborate on that by feeling your step-father's departure precipitated your actions, and in some inconceivable way you created an impenetrable barrier around yourself and your mother.
Since two women alone in a trailer park are decidedly safer when surrounded by highly trained assassins.
Oh and note how many views accumulate on your blog only moments later in the middle of the night.
If you are paranoid or want to be I definitely suggest you take the steps above.

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