Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I See Different Versions of the Future

Depending on who I become I see different versions of the future.
In one version, against all odds I become an actress.
Although that was more of a version when I was young.
I was sure it would happen earlier in my life, so after reaching a certain age it began to fade.

I saw my lover watch me accept an award with tears in his eyes, because he was my silent champion.
He was responsible for my success, no one else knew, and he never took credit.
So I see him with his black hair and dark eyes proud of his creation.
And of course as in many fantasies I am absolutely brilliant and at the height of my beauty.

My hair is long and golden, my face is young, and I'm dressed perfectly.
My lover and I don't stay together all the time, but we always come back to each other.
Eventually we marry and have children.
One day we're visiting a museum with the kids and I have an attack.

My husband understands these attacks and takes me home to recover.
Then he tells the children, "Don't be frightened, mommy has hard days, but she'll be okay."
Secretly and perversely he's delighted and I see the satisfied look on his face.
And I am in an agony only I know.

In another version I find myself back in L.A. in a better position, but the man with the dark hair always gets to me.
And one day he marries me in a quiet, solemn ceremony in a church.
I know what's to become of me and even my friends and family aren't there, they're far away.
And I look beautiful in a one of a kind, simple dress, and a veil across my face more like a death pall.

And after the wedding he takes me to an island or a beach town.
Where I am mainly confined to a hotel room.
And he quietly yet powerfully sates himself on my flesh.
From there I'm never without him in my mind and soul.

Or I become a great actress and live alone in a house in the valley.
Until one day I run away to France where I spend the rest of my life writing.
I free myself from the movie industry before it's too late.
There I wait out the rest of my life.

Then there is the version where I become a successful published author before becoming a well-known actress.
I see my books on the shelves with a cover that looks like The Catcher in the Rye I read in high school.
And in a sense it is the new Catcher in the Rye.
Because of my literary success I have something to fall back on after I get older and Hollywood tires of me.

The vision in which I have the least publicity is one where I slowly become a writer.
Every other version is somehow intertwined with an acting career.
My life doesn't change overnight.
It is a gradual progression solely contingent on my steady work as a writer.

The last version is the weakest visually and the least glamorous.
I am somehow living in my own trailer in a trailer park.
And my life is built on small pleasures.
There's a picture of me on the jacket of my first book and I'm reticent.

Of all the possibilities I prefer the grandiose, the unbelievable, the extreme.
I want to make an impact on the world in a big way.
And I want to be famous.
Unfortunately these dreams are mostly incongruous with my current standing.

Whenever, wherever I am, I only have what I earn or what kind people give me.
And I am aging, too old for beginning a career in entertainment.
So, I believe my visions of the future less.
To become my potential I have only to breathe and concentrate on each moment before it passes.

To be glamorous, to be applauded, to be the best, to be the strongest, and the most successful slips beyond my reach.
In its place I'm a mediocre version of myself.
I am all the mistakes and errors I've made.
So, I turn around and walk in a new direction, with a predilection for adventure.

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